Even if your sexual attractions are “disgusting.” How Do We Chill-lax? The equation is: when you are busy improving and producing, you can be loved. These are the good reasons people stay in the closet until it is too painful to continue to do that. These are the central fears of the gay experience. But just “being” without “doing” is risky. And occasionally, actual death.ĭoing a lot, and doing things well, often felt good as a kid. And when you are growing up there’s nothing worse than being called a fag. Being yourself without any alteration could lead to being called a “fag.” That is the unconscious belief that sometimes runs the show. Relaxing is a luxury that some gay men can’t afford. In other words, it’s called growing up gay on planet earth.īeing productive, admirable, popular, elite, or muscular is one way not to feel “one down,” “less than,”or a social outcast. We typically learn that it’s the result of being exposed to homophobia at an early age. No one has spent money researching this thesis so there’s no way to prove if my sample of clients of urban men in therapy is somehow different.īut I can share what we often discover underneath the exhausting busyness. The straight men I know, and the ones I work with in my therapy practice, often are more “chill.” They tend to be more comfortable with leisure time and doing less.
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Here’s what I’ve noticed: Gay men are very busy.
